I don't want to call this a crisis ... I refuse to believe that I'm old enough to have one, but I certainly have been asking myself a lot of questions lately - maybe its that 33rd birthday thing?! Who am I really? What defines me, as a woman, as a wife, as a mother? Why am I a mother? What are my priorities and what should they be? Am I truly happy doing what I am right now - at home and especially at work? Why am I a nurse? Do I have to be successful at everything I do? Is it OK to try something and totally fail or find that I don't like it at all and walk away? How much weight do I put on what I think others might think of me? How important is money? How important is a title? Do I really treat others the way I want to be treated? How often do I judge others based on only what I see? (believe me this is just a sampling -- if you knew the dialogue in my head on a daily basis you'd understand my psychosis at the moment!)
As I've struggled to answer these questions, I'm realizing I need to make some changes. There are things I cannot change - other people's choices, my children, my husband (although it's nice to pretend now and then that I have some control over them!), consequences from past decisions, the extra flab on my arms (well, I guess I could change that, but I'd have to go on Survivor for 3 months ... and starve myself - running isn't cutting it). But, there are some things I can change, and so I'm moving forward with that. Some of them are going to be difficult, some of them I will rejoice over, and some of them, well, we'll have to see if they make any difference at all, but I am on a quest. A quest to be happier, to be a mom who lives & teaches in the moment, to not feel guilty over things that I are not in my control, and to do things because they are right, because it will help me have joy and because I am a daughter of God.
Friday, July 30, 2010
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5 comments:
You and I totally need to get together. I have been having the same questions about me lately. We should have a 3 hour chat about our weird/crazy thinking. Let's do it.
I totally get this. I was there for a long time. Deciding what I wanted to get a degree in once my children are old enough for me to go back to school has helped a lot. It gave me a perspective for the future. I was afraid that once my children were grown I would no longer have a purpose in life.
But what has helped the most is seriously upping my scripture study. I feel much more in tune with the Lord and what He wants. There is nothing more gratifying than feeling that I am on the right track and doing with my life what the Lord wants for me.
Have I mentioned I want to be best friends? :)
Oh sister, we could talk and talk and talk....
Kim, I totally understand... and could it really be the 33 yr b-day that we just hit?? I am feeling the very same way and it was good to read your post. It's so hard at times to find our purpose in life... especially when the kids are fighting, whining, crying, demanding, etc. And it's hard to be happy with it all. I need to start looking for the joy in things more and let go of the things that I wish were a bit different in life. One of my fb friends posted this quote the other day and I LOVE it
"People in life who are the happiest don't have the best of everything, they make the best of everything they have..." I decided that I need to make a really big sign of that quote and put it on my wall so I can read it every day.
I'll be thinking of you! Hang in there!
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