Parenting

It's overwhelming - parenting.
Both J.D. and I think sometimes that we must have been delusional when we thought raising children would be fun, or maybe just plain ignorant, because most days we just look at each other, raise our eyebrows and say any ideas?!

Recently I've struggled a little bit with feeling happy as a mom.  I don't think I'm depressed - because I can be really, incredibly happy ... when all my kids are at school and the house is clean and quiet there is definitely joy in my life!  But, I have a hard time being happy with the chaos, amidst the whining, screaming and fighting that regularly occurs within as well as outside my home ...  yes, I'm sure my neighbors are well aware of my failings as a parent.  But, maybe I shouldn't look at it that way, maybe I should look at it as a willingness to be free with our true nature - that is my children's true nature.  Seriously, if I have learned anything from my children, we have nothing to hide over here and even if we did, there is no way I could keep it under wraps and still let my children lead normal lives and see the sunshine!  I sometimes feel like all I say is no, no, no and no,  stop it, shhhh, did you hear me?, what did I ask you to do?, do you want to sit in time out? really?! are you really hitting your sister? is that appropriate? what did you say!?! can you please stop yelling!, do you want to lose (fill in privilege)?, we don't (hit, scream, jump on furniture, etc.)  Sounds like a lot of fun at my house, huh!?

Speaking of fun and getting back to that happiness thing, I had a moment of realization tonight that might help me figure this out, or maybe not, I have yet to determine whether it will, but it was a light bulb moment for me and I thought I'd write it down.  As we were having family night (every Monday we attempt to have a sometimes spiritual, usually value/moral themed lesson from the scriptures, or church leaders and learn together as a family) and my children were behaving as usual, one in particular bouncing off the walls, literally, even with repeated attempts to calm, re-direct and reprimands to help her pay attention, and show respect and listen - her ADD tendencies were in full force.  All efforts were not working and I thought, 'I am not happy because I'm trying so hard to get her to listen through discipline that I can't break any of the rules, ever. I can't have 'fun' because I'm afraid to justify a behavior that I'll have to correct later.  She is so smart when it comes to her parents and discipline that if I give an inch anywhere, at anytime, she'll take the whole next 10 miles and then some.'  I've got to let that go.  I've got to enjoy and be happy despite my desire for her to be obedient.  Otherwise I will be the mean old momma that never smiled with my kids.  Discipline, although I'm a true believer and practicing parent in that aspect of parenting, isn't always the answer.  It may be a tool, but it isn't the tool box and I need to pull out some more tools.

What are those tools?  Really, I'm not sure.  I keep having these glimpses or experiences of 'love', total, unselfish, unconditional love that I think is probably the answer, but it is hard for me to grasp it and hold onto it long enough to really make a difference with it as a parent.  There are definitely moments of it with my children, probably more with them than in any other relationship I've ever had, but it still is hard for me to be consumed by that when I'm 'parenting' or 'disciplining' - especially in the heat of the 'I can't believe you just did that, moment'.  There is such a drive for control in parenting, but sometimes I wonder if the secret lies not in control, but it letting go of the control and just loving, and relying on something much more powerful than my own selfish desire for control.

Ok, there are some deep thoughts.  Not sure I'll ever really figure out this parenting thing, but I do know that my life is full of joy because of my children.  Even if I don't feel it until they are gone at school some days, the reason I feel it is because of them.  They may make me crazy, but they also give me meaning, purpose and direction, a reason to work hard, sacrifice and become who they need their mom to be. I had no idea how much growing occurred in motherhood - hopefully in the process of my growing, my children will grow and become who they need to be too.