Growing Pains

I'm crying today.  I don't really know why it hit today, versus any other day - maybe its hormones, but today my heart hurts a little.  It's hard to be a mom.  I didn't know it when I was pregnant with Master S, but I soon realized it - as soon as my delivery didn't go as planned with him.  The 'hard' had started.  It's hard to do the day in and day out of crying, feeding, napping, sleeping, cleaning, feeding, diapering, playing, interference running, scheduling, baby craziness.  Especially on little sleep.  But, today I am missing it.  I want to pull back the moments of playing with trains, coming up with things to entertain, watching clouds on our backs at the park, going on walks and pointing out the beauty around us, going to the mall just to get out of the house and share a soft pretzel with a happy child (well, maybe a happy child after we got the pretzel ...let's be real here!).  My home is empty during the day, and when I am home, it is so quiet it is hard to be here by myself sometimes.  As much as I hate working full time right now, it is probably a good thing, as this crying is not really pretty on me.  I look at my children and want to desperately hold back the growing up, stop the furious speeding train that growing up is, as it escalates down a hill that just doesn't ever level out before adulthood and responsibility and all the difficulties I know are ahead for them.  They are amazing children and they will be amazing adults, but I want to enjoy them just a little more than I am.  I want to hug them, to surround them with love and happiness.  I want to be a better mom and patient with their growing, not trying desperately to catch up to them all the time.  So, I'll sit and cry for a little bit longer, and maybe when they get home I'll use a softer voice, smile and wrap my arms around them a little more and cherish the moments, even if they are 'hard', because what makes motherhood hard, also makes it worth being a mom.